The Conversation at the Sperm Bank
by Angela3275
Summary: Spoilers for Critic in the Cabernet. How did Booth go from talking to baby Stewie to making his deposit?


**Spoilers: Critic in the Cabernet**

**Pairing: Booth/Brennan  
Rating: M  
Disclaimer: I do not own Bones. No infringement intended.**

**Author's Note: This episode was on TV last night, and I wondered how Booth was able to go from talking to baby Stewie to being able to make his 'deposit'.

* * *

**

Booth stared at the TV a minute before shaking his head. "That wasn't possible," he said to himself. He sat down on the couch. What the hell was wrong with him? The worst part was that Stewie had actually made sense. He didn't want to have a baby this way; he wanted to love her and make love to her. He never thought he would voluntarily be at a sperm bank when they were both physically capable of doing things the natural way. However, if he said no, she would choose someone else. That wasn't going to happen. He couldn't imagine Bones having a baby with another man, so that only left him. How was he supposed to keep his distance knowing that it was his kid though? He sighed. He needed more time, so he pulled out his phone and called Bones.

"Brennan," she answered.

"Bones. Hi." He was hesitant. It had all sounded good in his head, but now he was doubting if he should tell her.

"Booth? How did it go at the clinic?" She sounded surprised that he was calling this soon.

"I can't do it, Bones." He said, knowing she was going to be disappointed.

"Why not? What happened, Booth?"

"I – I want to help you have a baby, Bones. I do. I just can't right now, we'll have to reschedule." He was silently praying that she wouldn't get mad.

"Booth… it wasn't easy getting you in today. Who knows when they'll have an opening next." If Bones was a pouter, Booth guessed she would be doing it right now.

"Bones, I'm sorry. I really am. I'm just not exactly in the right mindset for all of this right now, okay?" Now he was frustrated in addition to being confused and embarrassed. Great combination for baby making, he thought sarcastically.

"Did you try the pornography? There must be something that will provide the correct stimulus to initiate your arousal." Her Squinty analysis of his situation was not going to help matters either.

"Bones, you discussing that stuff is not going to help, alright?" Why didn't she understand this? Wasn't it simple biology or something? He flipped through one of the magazines while they were talking, but it was having little effect.

"Okay, Booth, then what would help? What can I do? You must have called me for a reason." She sounded sincere, but how did she intend to help him with the activities required to fill that cup? She must have misunderstood.

"Bones, I called you to tell you that it wasn't happening today, not for _help_," Booth grumbled and tossed the magazine on the table.

"Well, I want to help. Are you having trouble obtaining an erection or are you just not able to ejaculate into the cup? It's normal to feel a little uncomfortable in that situation." Great, that's just what he needed. He felt like he was in sex education again.

"Okay, just stop. I haven't even started, if you must know. I'm just too stressed out right now." He fiddled with his tie and wondered how he got himself into this situation.

"Just try to relax, Booth. Which medium is normally effective in helping you achieve orgasm? I personally find that still images are of little use to me, but pornography with unsimulated sex is rather successful."

"Oh, my God. I can't believe you just said that." Bones had not only just admitted to watching porn, but also to a specific type. He was suddenly feeling a little warm. Would she know if he took advantage of her voice over the phone? Hmm… Booth undid his belt and pants and slipped a hand in his boxers.

"Would you like to share your likes, Booth, or would you like to hear what else I find… handy?" Bones had said 'handy'. Was that intentional? Yeah, sure Seeley, she knew that saying 'handy' would immediately make you think of her touching herself. Get a grip! Wait, she had asked him a question…

"Yes! I mean, you tell me more about yours." He was hard now, and stroking himself lightly.

"You already know I prefer sex to be passionate and uninhibited, and that I don't mind role-playing, so those are the types of movies I usually watch. Typically though I don't need added stimulus, I'm perfectly capable of bringing myself to orgasm without any assistance." Yup, now he was picturing her touching herself. Naked. Bones had a fantastic body. Hopefully someday he would have the pleasure of seeing her naked. Again he had to remind himself that he was supposed to be answering her question.

"No help… or no visual help?" Booth prayed that she would know what he was talking about so he wouldn't have to spell it out for her. Why he was being shy about lingo while he had his hand wrapped around his manhood seemed silly, but he couldn't help it.

"I don't know what the means." Dammit.

"Of course you don't. What I mean is… do you use just your fingers, or do you have _help_?" He didn't realize he was holding his breath waiting for her answer.

"Oh. If you're asking if I use a vibrator or other sex toys, then the answer is occasionally. They're quite functional in heightening arousal both alone and with a partner, like say in mutual masturbation." Bones has a vibrator! He was stroking faster now, his grip still light.

"Mutual masturbation? If you're both there and you're both… ready, why not just have sex?" He was picturing them together in his bed touching each other. He was trying to keep from breathing into the phone. He didn't want her to know what he was doing.

"It can be used as a form of foreplay, or it can be a very good way to get to know what your partner likes, gauge her reactions. Similarly, some people enjoy voyeurism and like being watched while they pleasure themselves." Booth hadn't heard much of that. He was still wondering if Bones had first-hand knowledge of mutual masturbation or just one of her anthropological or historical statistics.

"Have you ever…?" He had somehow asked that without thinking. His blood was not exactly abundant in his brain right now.

"Yes. Have you?" Mmm, he thought. He was learning that Bones' knack for being blunt could come in very _handy_ indeed! He was getting close now. Hearing her voice while he touched himself was incredible, but the conversation and what he was learning for future reference was even hotter.

"No, but I think watching a woman pleasure herself is one of the sexiest things in the world. That would be the type of movie I would pick, just so you know." Wow, he had shared something intimate with her. Being horny must be some sort of truth serum for him.

"I agree." Oh. My. God.

"What? You – you agree? To which part?" He was sure she could hear him breathing now.

"Both. Though I don't consider myself bisexual, I appreciate the female form immensely. In fact, in college I took part in – " He couldn't take any more. He felt like he was forgetting something though… the cup! How could he have forgotten that part?

"Okay, Bones, I'm feeling relaxed now. I gotta go!" He hung up quickly before grabbing the cup off the table. He thought about Bones experimenting with another woman, Bones touching herself, Bones with her assortment of toys…

"Bones – " he whispered as he came in the cup. He couldn't breathe and he was extremely warm now. He had the feeling he would be doing that a lot more often, in the privacy of his own home, with all of his recent knowledge. Bones never ceased to amaze him, and she had no idea.

* * *

Bones sat in her office at the Jeffersonian. She was thinking about Booth at the clinic. She hadn't given it much thought before, but now she realized the sacrifice he was making for her. He was so touchy on the subject of sex, yet somehow she had convinced him to go masturbate with everyone in the office knowing what he was doing in there. He had called to tell her how uncomfortable he was with the situation, and somehow, they had ended up sharing their sexual preferences. She wouldn't forget what he did for her, or the information he had shared. She unconsciously licked her lips…


End file.
